Trucknuts and Tall Tales

A word before I begin. If you have children, don’t let them read this unless you’ve read it first, and are comfortable with the content. I am not talking about the curse words, the bull ball content nor my sunny sentiment, I am talking about the important veneer that makes childhood great.

I am not unsympathetic to the plight of parents who are trying to raise children in this world that is decidedly child unfriendly. Television, movies, magazines and the other creatures of our pop culture have images and sounds which can lead to some very awkward discussions between little ones and their exasperated parents. I recognize that we must have child friendly zones where children can just be children, unfettered by the world that they will all too quickly discover and live in. However, I also believe that over the past fifty years, some parents have turned into uptight, entitled fear mongers who use their children and grandchildren to mold the whole world into one that suits their own view that anything even remotely awkward should stop. Worse are those that use all children as an excuse to create a world to suit their own definition of righteousness and morality.

Case in point. There is a product called truck nuts. Trucknuts are a plastic representation of a pair bull testicles. They hang from the trailer hitch, ball if you will, of a truck bumper. Proceeds from the sale of truck nuts go to various charities, including the Lance Armstrong Foundation, which funds research to cure testicular cancer. See the connection? There is a concerted effort in this country to ban truck nuts and it has come all the way to State Capitols, including Oklahoma. There have been all manner of excuses to ban Trucknuts. Virginia wanted to ban them because they were distracting to drivers and could cause accidents. Oklahoma legislators are using children to ban them. An Oklahoma legislator actually said “parents should not be forced to talk to their children about the birds and the bees”. I am but a simple country lawyer, so help me understand what the hell these people are talking about. If a child doesn’t know what they are, and a parent isn’t comfortable with an accurate description, then do what every parent does. LIE, LIE your ass off. Tell a lie as big some of the others we tell children. Like an old man comes to your house once a year on his magic, flying sled pulled by his equally magic reindeer and squeezes his fat ass down your chimney, even if you don’t have one, and brings you the very toys that you asked for. You might also make up a story equal to the Easter Bunny, which distributes unfertilized eggs from other animals painted funny colors. Be creative, tell the kids that the truck nuts are a shrunken trailer, or magic beans. Or here’s an idea, just be honest. Just tell them that the truck is MALE. Every kid, no matter how young has the rudimentary knowledge that there are boys and girls, but this concept is too much for some parents to handle. Aren’t there Cialis commercials where these people live?

One more facet to this ludicrous argument is the overlooked fact that Oklahoma is a State where about a billion cattle live, and some of them even have balls, huge obvious balls which make male porn stars envious. Cattle can be seen everywhere in this State and most of us have worked near them at one time or another. My parents didn’t have to worry about this particular conversation with me. Work on a farm for five minutes and all the mystery about life is gone. I began to wonder about more important things. I wondered if my balls would grow to the size of Barney, my Great Aunt’s prized bull. I was concerned because I thought I would look funny wearing pants of that size. Sadly, I never had to confront such a problem.

Finally, I am deeply concerned Virginia will move on to other “distractions” of the driving public, like Corvettes, cleavage and cell phones. If they’ll ban a pair of plastic nuts, they’ll ban everything. On a serious note, there is nothing funny or sexual about the invasion of testicles by cancer. Although some parents would like to pretend otherwise, testicles are as much a part of my body as my arms and any money raised to combat their cancer is a good thing. Even if uptight parents who would rather NOT talk to their children think otherwise.

Trialdawg.